Teeth (2007)

"Every rose has its thorn" was its tagline if I am to believe the Internet. Also, this fine film was shot in Austin, Texas and released in 2007. It was shot at least in part when gas was still 2.799$ a gallon which right now sounds like a fairy tale. Many other fine details may be gleaned from its entry on IMDB. I won't ruin the whole movie for you despite how close to spoilers this becomes, but I was really impressed with how befitting each death or maiming was. There was never really anyone who didn't deserve the can of whoopass that landed on their sweet meats. As someone smarter than me once said, "you fuck with the bull and you get the horns."

The plot of this movie is fairly straight forward. Average girl finds average guy, wanders to above average cave, and someone doesn't end up leaving alive, or in any way intact. Pretty standard stuff for horror movies. The monster in this film needed no scary mask or interdimensional craft full of anal probing knives, no, it only needed to be awoken from its fishy grave. The only two words you need to hear to grasp the whole plot are: vagina dentata.

Despite my desire not to ruin the movie for you, some very amusing quotes stand out and must be shared. Be on the lookout for them, as you will really enjoy them.

Guy to girl: "Show me yours."
*Girl does so*
*Something unwholesome done by guy*
"OWWW!"
*little bastard shows off the damage*
"I'm a virgin…in his eyes!"
"Oh…"
"It was just once…about a year and a half ago."
*uncomfortable shift* "Right…"
"You don't even have to do anything."
"I haven't even jerked off since Easter!"
"Purity, yes!"
*Creepy crowd of kids recite bible verses in response to confession.*
"The serpent!"
"Exile from the garden."
"Thanks to Eve and the Devil, we…"
*Kids party down techno dance style*
"In this room there are no judgments made."
*Doctor sticks hand inside*
"My goodness you're tight!"
"What have you put in here?"

Things to always remember about keeping abstinent after watching this film

  • Promise rings must look like they are ruby condoms if you're sincere about your commitment to wait until marriage.
  • Groping is not ok.
  • You must keep your gift wrapped.
  • Riding a Schwin 10 speed does not break your cherry.
  • Brushing your teeth in a nightgown is ok, but don't be flashy about it.
  • Shaving your armpits is ok.
  • You must go to a backwoods schools where they refer to a woman's vagina as "the female parts".
  • You will find your anatomy section must sticker over the vagina for your safety and innocence.
  • Seeing, saying, and talking about a penis is perfectly acceptable educational classroom material.
  • Do not make the doe eyes. They're dangerous.
  • Being an abstinence advocate will ensure no one will want to fuck you except for bastages.
  • R rated movies and not acceptable due to the sexual content, so you'll be watching a lot of cartoons.
  • Sweet and seemingly fast jeeps are a perfectly acceptable mode of transport.
  • Going to a makeout spot with a group during the day transforms it to a hangout spot without sex tainting it.
  • You are responsible to police one another at all times, much like Alcoholics Anonymous members.
  • If you are sexually active a pervert will stick Treasure Bones dog snacks into your mouth as foreplay.
  • You will refer to your virginity as how it in seen in other people's eyes, namely the Buddy Christ himself.
  • You will slip up along the way and touch yourself, forcing you to reaffirm your pledge.
  • Masturbation is dangerous first hand experience of what comes from the sins of lust before marriage.
  • You will be transfixed by a scorpion monster on the television. This is perfectly normal.
  • You will imagine your wedding night, yet you will be the very age you are at that moment.
  • The scorpion will find you in your masturbatory dreams.
  • History lessons in school must not be missed because they reveal plot, as well as answers to your inner battle.
  • Since you're so focused on waiting, a dude in a yellow shirt watching the boys in the locker room is perfectly acceptable.
  • A unicorn logo long sleeves shirt should be worn around any perverted stepbrothers to avoid rape.
  • Accepting a business card from a boy is ok…though it may come back to haunt them.
  • Your stepbrother will punch his lights out without you even asking him to.
  • Speeding in a jeep is ok despite the tipping threat if it means helping a friend.
  • Going swimming alone with a boy is ok if you're a shining moral example of abstinence.
  • One piece bathings suits are morally acceptable swimware. As are green boxers.
  • Swimming is ok despite the fact that in the water there are fish living in sin unmarried before God.
  • Avoid the rope swing at all costs. Do not ignore this request. Danger awaits.
  • You must exclaim "Purity!" when you are groped on the breasts.
  • It's ok to swim to a secluded cave as long as you are with a morally righteous young man.
  • Sleeping bags will magically appear at the top of the cave, as if placed there by the Buddy Christ himself.
  • Stalactites and cave walls are an aphrodisiac.
  • Cuddling in sleeping bags will only lead to trouble…possibly being knocked out.
  • If you're temporary knocked unconscious your partner will take advantage of the situation.
  • Sensing danger your internal protection will kick in and render the attacker's threat nullified.
  • Crabs like to eat penis.
  • People will often lie to get into your pants.
  • Repeating bad behavior is inevitable.
  • Escalation feels good.
  • Creepy children of the corn cult kids will still worship you despite your falling from the garden of Eden.
  • Harp plays when you discover what your genitals really look like.
  • Medical professionals will take advantage of their position of authority in very innocent ways.
  • Repeating bad behavior is inevitable.
  • Revenge feels good.
  • Others don't have the same respect of sex that you do, even when a family member is dying on the floor.
  • Makeup and seduction work well when you want to make the plunge again.
  • Repeating bad behavior is inevitable.
  • Justice feel great.
  • Dogs like to eat penis, but will spit out piercings.
  • Hitchhiking has its obvious bonuses and pitfalls.
  • Repeating learned behavior fucking kicks ass.
  • Realizing deviant behavior is the answer to all of your problems comes in handy in a pinch.
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