Chainsaw Sally (2004)

Make me a promise, ok? Do not visit this movie's IMDB entry until after you read this in full. Or as full as you become on my salted pepper attempt at movie review jerky. You'll be glad you didn't ruin the movie immediately, because it's better that you discover the truth. Even when the movie's title gives away a bulk of the plot.

Few things are as hilarious as a librarian with a chainsaw, and this movie proves that point well. Shot in low budget fashion, this film does a lot with dialogue and hammy acting. Enough to keep you watching to see how this one pans out. Miss Sally is not someone to fuck around with. If you don't mind the "shhh quiet" sign or somehow forget to bring books back in time, your ass might just end up in a storage closet somewhere collecting maggots. A movie where people are being killed in Porterville and has to do with libraries is so much of a shoe-in for me to love it, I can barely express it. The man who played Leatherface chainsawing someone with a valid reason. So very awesome.

This film has random nudity, hilariously bad stereotype horror movie characters, abundant gore, and seemingly random comic book banter. If you do not download this movie and give it a go, I reckon you will find yourself passed out in a tub full of melted ice water missing a spleen. That or find yourself passed out under a handcuffed sheriff you don't remember picking up the night before in the bar. Karma can be a bitch I guess.

As with every film I watch, dialogue seems to be my favorite appetizer even if I don't always remember the quips later. With this banter, I will never forget the good times. Chainsaw Sally did not disappoint and had plenty of odd lines for those touched in the head such as myself.

"Reports are nothing but bullshit!"
"I never did no reports for school and look at me!"
"Fuck you too, you little bookworms!"
*bearded schlub standing in shorts, a tshirt, and a trucker hat reading Dead Filler Lives never leaves the shitter in one piece*
*Old townie man who appears to be a fisherman but the verdict is still out on that coughs profusely and stands and rambles for a while until the gem arrives*
"But if you have your way a year from now I'll get up in the morning and look out of the window and have this big ugly Seventy-Five foot tall silver cock in my face. I hope I won't have to see that."
*Miss Sally does to hardware store and asks about getting a new hammer, blood clearly visible on one of the pieces remaining*
Old man hardware store chump: "Well, I'll be…you sure must have been whacking the hell out of something!"
Instance of Photoshop clearly open on a desktop PC owned by the biggest douche in the movie, a construction/contractor assclown. It was running on XP with a graphic reading:
Benton's Quest
1. Porterville
2. Those bastards from highschool
3. The World
*Big douche's eyes keep wandering to the screen while he's formulating more diabolical plans*
*Miss Sally in jean cuts offs, a leopard print blouse, and stockings with braided hair stands above a victim whose shirt she ripped off revealing no bra*
"Now your fine is in the double digits!"
"Oh great…now I have to change!"
*Miss Sally wanders home, wearing a cowboy hat and a crazed smile*
"Ruby, I'm home!"
*Someone you at first think is a butch lesbian in overalls comes in complaining that they have had dinner ready for a while now, and serves some slop to them both. Chest shot reveals it's not a woman.*
*Sally tells him to bring in the groceries*
Ruby: "What'd you do with his pee pistol?"
*Sally hands him something small and they both are amused*
*Sally walking in the park with a chump who bought her ice cream*
"Do you think Batman was gay?"
*chump stops walking and looks at her*
"No…Bruce wayne was a millionaire playboy. What makes you think he's gay?"
*Sally takes over conversation and chump basically listens as he cannot respond correctly to deflect her*
"Well the Batman I'm thinking about is on TV and he seemed a little gay."
"It was always Robin that he went home to confirming him love of Dick."
"But two guys in tights sliding down poles all day…you have to admit that's a bit gay."
*Sally partially strips down and ties a woman to a bondage cross*
Sally: "How do you spell malt?"
Victim: "What?"
*Sally produces a wood screw, scratches the woman with her nails, and victim teases and says to scratch her*
*Sally scratches MALT into the woman with the wood screw*
Random one liners without context:
"I've got your doormat right here, Bonnie!"
"Frigid little freak!"
"I said be quiet in the library!"
"You ready for the fireworks?"
"Why don't you give me a call when it's not a pity fuck night!"
"I'm surprised he hasn't knocked up his sister yet."
"This is the kind of guy that would put on his granny's bra and panties and whack off with some crunchy Jiff and a turkey pot pie!"
"He'll have to play a little butt bingo with Bubba down at the penitentiary…"

Things to always remember about being a mad chainsaw librarian after watching this film

  • Hope you have an average name like Sally so no one suspects you are a ball of insane waiting to burst.
  • Get a stable unassuming job like a librarian at the local public library.
  • Wear glasses at work but not at home. The Clark Kent effect will keep your identity safely masked.
  • You are going to be called faucet frank. Wait for it.
  • Maintain your composure in front of witnesses while remembering to be polite to the patrons despite them calling you a frigid bitch.
  • Keeping the keys to the bathroom at your desk like it were elementary school makes good business sense.
  • You are going to be flipped off by redneck stoners. Deal with it.
  • Make sure to read interesting titles like The Big Book of Serial Killers while at work.
  • Make friends with country yokels who think others are uncouth.
  • Remember that you live in a town called Porterville and that makes you special.
  • Dismantle dental evidence with a hammer, but try not to break the handle.
  • Hide the bodies for now, use them as staged evidence later.
  • Play along with the corny jokes of the hardware store owner. He had more hammers.
  • Ignore strange men in business suits buying machetes at your hardware store. He is not a threat to your operation.
  • Above anything, take care of your crossdressing, indian-wannabe freak of a brother.
  • Lure victims to the woods where accidents with chainsaws happen all the time.
  • Sent plenty of late fee notices before you lure a victim to the woods.
  • Eavesdrop on random bar patrons in order to find their weaknesses.
  • Exploit their weaknesses while looking fantastic and totally unlike your day persona.
  • Stick lit sparklers down the urethras of men who cross their girlfriends.
  • Make sure to bring home groceries often so your roommate can enjoy a snack.
  • Remove all trace of your actual identity and back story before the threat to your operation arrives in town.
  • Force women in skimpy clothing to play torture twister on a bloodstained mat.
  • Do not befriend the source of all your potential strife.
  • Engage in comic book character talk. Men like that.
  • Internalize the mantra of superheroes to rationalize your psychotic actions.
  • Only kill bad people.
  • Put a luchador mask on the mayor. He will enjoy it.
  • Make use of power tools bought on sale.
  • Your sexuality is not reflected in what you have to do in order to lure them into your trap.
  • Follow, seduce, and torture those who cannot spell properly.
  • Make sure to have a Jesus portrait around for good measure.
  • Use chemicals to force someone's organs to liquefy.
  • Make sure at least one of your coworkers is blind so someone can watch the place when you need to make a personal call.
  • Order flowers for those whom you would like to meet for secluded rendez-vous.
  • Don't take any shit from the cable company for your illegal hookup. They didn't need their head anyway.
  • Train your brother on using a nailgun.
  • Frame others for all of your crimes.
  • Repeat.
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